I remember everything
by BlackOpal
Summary: I ran after you, determined not to let you make this mistake. I called for you underneath your beloved elephant. The rain stung me as I made my final pleas for you to return to me."


A/N: This is my 50th fic. 50. I've written 50 works, some not so great some perfect. Some were masterpieces and some were… ick. Some are unfinished and some are so complete even _I_ read them over again for my pure enjoyment. It started on April 7th, 2002 and since then, fanfiction has been a huge part of my life. I wanted to do something special to celebrate- so I came back to Moulin Rouge. It was here with "Denying Love" I made my debut into the world of Moulin Rouge and, the world of fanfiction, so it only seems natural I should celebrate 50 fics here too. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Nothings mine, trust me I would know if they were. Everything is Baz's, curseds!

I remember everything. How the softness of your voice used to flood into my ears and lull me to sleep while my arms knew the satisfaction of feeling your soft skin. I often was caused to roll off the bed because your body demanded so much room, so much space to spread out. In your own way, you were a princess. You wanted everything so perfect, so precise and you received everything you wished.

It's a wonder we survived together. You always demanded so much more then I could give you. You were stuck with proclamations of love and silly, childish poems that declared my feelings for you. You could've had more. Your pockets could have been stuffed with diamonds while your every wish was granted. Yet you chose me.

There were times I wanted to give up and let you fly into the wild and finally be released into the world you craved so much to be a part of. In fact, in some instances I actually managed to let myself do just that. You would flutter away from me for stretched periods of time. You left me alone and craving the love we shared. I would suffer for days but you always returned. Somehow you knew exactly when the desire I had for you reached its peak. I would come back to the garret and find you sprawled out on the bed waiting with a pout for me to envelop you in my arms and whisper sweet nothings into your ear. 

I still remember that night. It seems so long ago you were telling me that you had to see the Duke that night- you _had to. I felt that in some ways I had failed you. I left you to fight off the vulture without any protection from the scavenger. But I was blinded by jealous and blinded by love and I couldn't help the feeling that you chose him over me._

It wasn't true, was it? You knew something I didn't. You knew all the risks and you silently took the chance to give us freedom. Even if it meant destroying yourself you wanted to be together. 

I can't tell you how many times that night I thought of running up there and pulling you away. I tried to have faith in you but any time I looked at that tower, my courage trickled away. It was a silent reminder of what I couldn't have. 

In the end, you once again returned to be. You burst through the doors and sobbed onto my shoulder that you wanted to run away with me. And oh God, I cannot tell you how much those words meant to me. They were fantastic. They flooded my ears and fluttered into my brain so often I memorized how each syllable was said. They were played over and over again until I finally comprehended the true meaning of those words- you wanted to forever be with me. 

You looked at me so expectantly, wanting me to say something that would affirm your wish. But all I could do was nod. I drank in the beauty of you, you're beautiful. It was the moment I think that let me say the words I said. We'll leave. Though I meant every word of it I hadn't meant to trap you. I felt scared that you would feel smothered and run away again. Instead you nodded and agreed with the plan I devised for us. You went away to get your things, leaving only after a few breathless kisses that still haunt my cheek.

I waited. I sat on the bed waiting for you to burst through my garret holding all the things you wanted to take to your new life. I was waiting for you to leave your old life behind and come with me to create a world where no one could harm us, where we could finally love without rules. 

I should've known it could never happen.

When you finally did return, you held nothing. You were dressed to extravagant to run away. You opened the door without your usual anticipation and I should've known then something was wrong. But it wasn't until you told me the words that my heart began to notice. There wasn't any possible way you couldn't love me. And yet, as you said the words you gasped for breath. Even your lungs betrayed you as you walked away from me, the man you loved.

I ran after you, determined not to let you make this mistake. I called for you underneath your beloved elephant. The rain stung me as I made my final pleas for you to return to me. I lied out there God only knows how long. My blood mixed with the rain and froze inside me. I ached on the outside but nothing to what my heart was feeling. 

I left only because they pulled me in. They didn't understand my need to stay out there, in front of you so that you would always know I would never leave you. They pulled me in kicking and screaming. They wrapped me into blankets and washed my sore cuts. They left me with nothing outside so that I could concentrate on the agony in. 

Eventually, my heart betrayed me. It let me feel the beginnings of the feelings I felt. I was betrayed, it said, I was too blinded and I hadn't seen the inevitable. The relationship we had was always doomed, why hadn't I seen it earlier. Yet somewhere, I knew it wasn't. I knew you were lying. I knew that you were craving to return to me but forces held you back.

It was then I became determined to bring you home to me. I ran to the Moulin Rouge, the place where this whole thing began. I hide in the hidden crevasses of the skeleton until I found you. I took one step forward and felt your passion; it was something you couldn't hide from me- though you tried. Tears sprung into your eyes and you looked at me defiantly, ready to deny anything your body was about to give away. At that moment, I knew you still loved me.

You brushed past me and ran to find someone who would pull me away from you. You were scared of what would happen if I figured out the truth, the truth I already knew. You flew around stairwells and ladders and people with the hopes of loosing me to some scattered piece of furniture. They were insignificant things, unworthy of blocking me from you.

And suddenly- you were trapped. In desperation you turned to me, no longer able to hold back the tears, and pleaded with me to go. But I couldn't. Words sprung from my mouth, words that I didn't want to say but couldn't take back. I was angry. I wanted answers. You took everything, doing nothing but sob as you heard my declarations of dishonesty. I threw the money at your feet in fury, blinded by the events that had occurred. You loved me, yet you were willing to stay away from me. I hated you for that.

Walking away from you was the hardest part. I had to turn my back on you when you were in agony. I resisted the temptation of making all of your pains disappear with delicately placed kisses. You didn't need that now, you had made that clear. I was almost out the door when he said it. We both heard it. I stopped out of the flood of memories that crashed like a wave down upon me. You felt it too.

Your voice flooded around me. I took a step farther, willing myself to go. Did I want to hurt myself again? It was the choked verse that released from your lips that made me turn. I couldn't cause you pain, it was impossible. I joined with you, singing the song that devoted our love to each other. I saw you smile your beautiful smile. Everything felt right again. We were finally, _finally_ in each other's arms and it felt so perfect.

But nothing ever lasts.

It was quite impossible to tell the events that enfolded. It was all a blur as it danced around me in a blinding haze. One minute I was stifled by your kisses and the next… I was holding you in my arms covered with blood from you. I tried not to cry. I tried to stay strong as you told me everything. But it was impossible. I thought I knew pain, I thought I knew agony… but it was nothing. It was nothing compared to the complete and utter torture I experienced at that moment.

You were so beautiful; I wanted to tell you that. I wanted to tell you everything that I had ever thought about you but it was impossible. That would take a lifetime. You were dying within minutes.

It all happened so fast. I still remember feeling the heat run out of you, leaving your body with a coldness that could never be righted. I remember feeling defeated that I could not save you. I remember hating myself for not telling you I loved you one last time…

I remember everything.


End file.
